This week's topic: Gamer Etiquette

To be clear, I'm talking about role-playing games in this post. I'm sure there are dos and dont's for MMORPGs, but I don't know what they are, so I'm sticking to what I know.

First up, dice.

1. DON'T TOUCH ANOTHER PLAYER'S DICE. Yes it's silly, yes it's superstitious nonsense, yes it's laughable, yes I'm sure it has zero effect on how they roll. Still--don't touch my dice. Unless I hand them to you for you to look at because they're a nifty color or because they're solid pewter or made from semiprecious stone, do not pick up my dice without my permission. Do not move them or rearrange them. Do not randomly grab an extra handful of six-siders because you didn't bring enough of your own. Ask first.

2. DON'T QUESTION ANOTHER PLAYER'S DIE ROLLS. If you think a fellow player is consistently fudging his or her die rolls, do not confront the player yourself. That's the GM's job, not yours. If you do it, you're likely to be labeled a troublemaker, and the player in question will probably accuse you of not trusting him/her.

Your options here are to either live with the cheater and carry on, secure in the knowledge that you're not lame enough to stoop to such tactics, or, if it's really affecting your enjoyment of the game, talk to the GM--privately. Even then, tread carefully: the person may be the GM's best friend, or gawd forbid, girlfriend (next week's topic: Gamemaster's Girlfriend Syndrome and What to Do About it).

Don't just blurt out, "So-and-so is cheating on their rolls!" No. The name of the game is subtlety. "I'm not sure, but it seems to me that so-and-so is rolling a lot of [whatever number keeps coming up more than it should], more than statistics would account for. I could be wrong, though, so I'd appreciate it if you could maybe keep an eye on it next session." You've let the GM know that there's a problem, and if s/he decides to take action, your cue comes from that. The GM may decide that you're right and decree that everyone has to make their die rolls in the open from now on. If the GM notices the cheating and does nothing, then you have to decide if you can live with it or not.

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Next, characters.

1. NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER. It's sad but true. Not matter how awesome a character it is, no one else cares -- not even your fellow gamers. So don't even start.

1a. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE A GAJILLION SKETCHES OF YOUR CHARACTER. This is the corollary to #1 above. No one wants to hear about your character, and no one wants to see half a million pictures of your character, either. Not even if she's naked.

2. NO, YOU CAN'T PLAY KAL-EL, BIG GUY.

2a. OR BRUCE WAYNE, EITHER.

It's been done before, by people way better than any of us. See here and here. So no, it's not clever or funny or original, it's just lame. Come up with something else.

3. DON'T LOOK AT ANOTHER PLAYER'S CHARACTER SHEET. As much as players like to talk about our characters, you'd think we wouldn't mind people looking at our character sheets. You would be wrong. In any event, it's just plain rude to go over to someone and read over their shoulder, period. As with dice, the exception is if I hand you my character sheet.

4. DON'T COPY ANOTHER PLAYER'S CHARACTER CONCEPT. This is crucial if you're playing in the same game--if you're the new player coming in, and the game already has a wizard, a gnome thief, a paladin, and an Elven archer, for the love of all that's holy do NOT create a character that is an Elven archer. I don't care if Elven archers are all you ever play. Not only is it disrespectful of the player already in the game and his/her pre-existing character, it shows a lack of originality, a lack of planning, and a dollop of selfishness to boot--what other types of characters might the group need?

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Finally, ten rules to game by, which all boil down to: don't be a douche (paraphrased from the awesome Wil Wheaton).

Specifically:

1. Don't bogart all the snacks and drinks at gaming each week without contributing some snacks/drinks/cash in return.

2. It's not all about you. Other players and their characters like a chance to shine, too.

3. Try not to be consistently late (or early) for gaming sessions all the time.

4. Keep track of your own character sheet, dice, and experience points.

5. Remember to keep real life and gaming separate. Yes it sucks that Billy-Bob dumped you, but your character has no in-game reason to suddenly knife his character in the back, does she? So don't do it; it's petty and immature.

Likewise, it sucks that your real-life husband's character is married to a character that's played by someone who isn't you. Put your big-girl panties on and deal with it instead of sulking in a corner and insisting that they get an in-game divorce. It's called role-playing, honey.

6. Everyone hates a rules-lawyer. Don't be one. Any sentence that starts with, "Well, technically..." is being uttered by a rules lawyer. Whatever you're about to say ... don't.

7. Min-maxing just proves that you're good at math. Congratulations.

8. You can't beat the GM.

9. Above all, have fun!

10. And don't be a douche.

Hello and Welcome

Wondering if it's OK to bring your new baby to gaming night?

How to ask out that cute guy/gal from the local club?

What to say when you inevitably run into an ex who tries to strike up a conversation over the new Munchkin release?

You're hosting a room party at a con and That Obnoxious Drunk Guy shows up. NOW what?

Pull up a chair; you've come to the right place. Not to say that I've been everywhere and done everything, but I've been around the block a few times.

For the record:

1. Yes, provided the host/hostess is OK with it. If it's a group that you've been playing with regularly, it would be nice to check with the other players as well, as not everyone is comfortable with babies.

2. At the next group function, approach him/her and ask about going for coffee or dessert, just the two of you, after the meeting. If you get a negative answer to that, ask about going to see New Movie X (Star Trek, Harry Potter, whatever). If that also gets met with a "No," that's your cue that it's time to back off and focus your attentions on a different person.

3. Assuming it's an ex you'd rather not spend much time around: be brief, be polite, be gone. "No, I haven't played this yet but I'm looking forward to it." Smile, take it to the register, pay, close with "Nice to see you again," (even though it wasn't--life is lubricated by these little falsehoods everyone tells and no one means) and leave. Walk out, your head held high, and don't look back. If your ex has not aged well, save the pointing, laughing, and sniggering until you're in private with good friends and a glass of wine.

4. "I'm sorry, we're just closing down for the night," with a firm hand on the elbow, an escort out the door, and instructions to the door person not to let That Obnoxious Drunk Guy back in. What? Your party doesn't have a door person? Well, this is why you need one.